STRAP yourselves in, footy fans – Damian Barrett’s Sliding Doors is back in full swing for 2025. 

With the 2025 Toyota AFL Premiership Season underway, Damo’s got plenty of thoughts about all 18 clubs – and the AFL.

So what is he saying about your team? What’s he saying about the AFL? You can’t say that, Damo, can you? Check it out below.

IF …

the Crows want the competition to take them seriously as a premiership threat …

THEN …

they will FIFO of Perth with the four points. Played a nice brand of ugly last week against the Giants, and doing a lot right to this stage of the season. Josh Rachele returning another big plus.

IF ..

Kai Lohmann is back …

THEN …

so too should be the functionality of the Lions’ attacking mechanisms. He’s got footy smarts, Lohmann, and is often prepared to get up the ground. Lions had only 37 inside 50s against Collingwood last week. No one is winning matches with that stat.

IF …

Carlton was a racehorse …

THEN …

its Winning Post form would read two consecutive wins, in a Benchmark 58 race at Bendigo, where it won by seven lengths over West Coast, and a Benchmark 64 race at Sale, where it won by nine lengths against North Melbourne. Its next run is at Flemington (MCG) on Sunday, in a Group 1 weight-for-age 2000m race, against Via Sistina (Geelong). The Blues have had a nice break since their last run, the Cats are backing up quickly off a Monday race. The outsider in this race is weirdly not without hope.

IF …

Dan Houston has belted opponents twice in his past four AFL matches, as a Port Adelaide player in round 23 last year when he clocked Izak Rankine and as a Pie in round four this season when he belted Lachie Fogarty …

THEN …

he’s clearly on watch. But he’s such an imposing and immense talent that I reckon he will win the 2025 Anzac Day Medal.

IF …

the nearly 37-year-old ruckman Todd Goldstein returning has been the dominant Essendon storyline of the week after season-ending injuries to Draper and Bryan …

THEN …

an even bigger in for the Anzac Day match is forward Kyle Langford. Hasn’t been seen since round one, when he ripped a hamstring. So, so important.

IF …

Justin Longmuir has coached the Dockers on 113 occasions …

THEN …

game No.114 will arguably be the most important of his life. An Anzac Day home game against Adelaide. The Dockers simply have to win, after embarrassing themselves, yet again, against Melbourne last week.

IF …

Bazlenka book-ended AFL rounds five and six with some bird action and also found reason to shove a Sherrin into Jarman Impey’s head …

THEN …

who cares! He’s winning matches of football. I’m loving the weekly bad-guy edge to his game. Actually hope he ramps it up even more, and certainly hope he doesn’t feel the need to conform to the boring public persona that most people in the AFL system seem to adopt. Has played five of the Cats’ six matches in 2025 and is probably leading the best-and-fairest.

IF …

a lot of people in footy deliver a lot of mixed messages …

THEN …

this week’s offerings from Dimma will take some beating for 2025’s AFL Mixed Messager Award, the uncoveted MMA. Hardwick defended his former player Noah Balta’s right to play in round six, despite at that stage not being sentenced by a NSW court for assault. Then he had a crack at Victorian premier Jacinta Allan for daring to have an opinion on that matter. Then he doubled down, explaining he simply wanted “less talk, more action” on crime in the community in attempting to provide context to his initial stance. And he even gave the ABC a drive-by! I’m now more confused than I was last Saturday night. I hope he’s delivering clearer messages to the Suns players.

IF …

it was very windy and also very wet …

THEN …

there were excuses. But 34 points (4.10) in a game of footy is embarrassing. The 10th lowest score in the 307 AFL matches played by the Giants. Jesse Hogan is back for round seven against the Bulldogs, so surely normal scoring transmission will resume.

IF …

there was always going to be an internal price to pay following the recruitment of Josh Battle and Tom Barrass …

THEN …

it has come in the form, and maybe even leadership, of the captain, James Sicily. Plenty of time to fix this issue, and maybe he is injured. But he’s simply not the brilliant Sic of 2024 right now.

IF …

you needed reminding after an “ordinary” first five weeks of the season that there is an all-time AFL great still playing on this list …

THEN …

you got it last Saturday and again on Thursday night. Max Gawn’s leadership and, more importantly, form has got the Demons back on track.

IF …

you look up “scapegoat” in the AFL dictionary …

THEN …

up pops Aidan Corr and Griffin Logue. Key defenders dropped by Clarko for round seven against Port Adelaide. I realise they haven’t been good this season, but many equally underperforming teammates have escaped the axe. Imagine playing in the backline of this mess.

IF …

Mitch Georgiades has been threatening to kick a bag …

THEN …

maybe Saturday of round seven will be that day. In really nice form. After being held goalless in round one, has kicked 15 from the next five. No obvious North Melbourne opponent to go with him.

IF …

the Tigers have been performing well above expectations on the field, and were more than OK against Melbourne on Thursday …

THEN …

off it, they have been appallingly inept. Their handling of the Noah Balta situation will be used by universities in years to come as a case study in how to butcher public strategy.

IF …

the Saints’ narrative in February was that Max King was pressing to be fit for round one with his troublesome knee …

THEN …

by Thursday of this week his return date had moved into the “like the late end of the season”, according to Ross The Boss. What a mess, given the Saints were trumpeting that the initial surgery was a success.

IF …

many clubs panic and offer ridiculously long-term deals to out-of-contract stars …

THEN …

not the Swans with The Chad. Smartly, they put a two-year deal to him, which was ultimately perfect. It takes him through to free agency in 2027, and gives them more time to convince him he should stay a one-club player. Anything longer may have spooked him into leaving for hometown Perth.

IF …

Oscar Allen has a sense of theatre …

THEN …

on Sunday he will legally belt a few Hawthorn players, kick six goals himself and post-match stroll up to Sam Mitchell and give him a bear hug. Not sure he’s in the physical or mental state to do any of that, so shell-shocked has he been since he was caught catching up with Mitchell a month ago.

IF …

your debut game is one where you will be pitted against the best forward in the comp, the reigning Coleman medallist Jesse Hogan …

THEN …

good luck, Jedd Busslinger. He’s had an old-school AFL education, this 13th pick in the 2022 national draft. His opportunity coincides with Liam Jones being axed. Massive call.

AND THIS ONE’S FOR THE AFL

IF …

it’s 2025 …

THEN …

it would make sense to belatedly finetune the MRO and Tribunal system. I realise I’m a broken record on this. But the Match Review Officer needs to be full-time, not a consultant, and he/she needs to have scope to sentence a player beyond three matches. There was zero need to convene a Tribunal hearing for Connor Nash during the week. It was four weeks for him before Gryan Miers even hit the ground.